Insurance costs rocket
as weather turns nasty...
By our underhandwriting correspondent
Polly C Hikes
The motor insurance world was rocked to its foundations today
by the prospect of having to pay up on claims. Insurers have announced a steep
rise in the price of ‘cover’ after an unexpected breeze threatened to bring
chaos to Britain’s roads.
Seconds after a 'menacing' cloud (pictured) neared the
south-west coast of Cornwall underwriters warned of the need to raise prices
immediately. A spokesman for the Avaricious B******s Institute wept uncontrollably
as he explained to sleeping politicians that the risk of some stronger drizzle
than had been anticipated this week would force a 100% increase in the cost of
the average policy.
Taking a freshly peeled onion from his pocket, Mr Bruce Fibbs blamed fraudulent weather forecasting for the crisis but reassured everyone
that the industry would be able to crack down on the villains.
“Fortunately, we have a direct lying (Is this right? Ed) to Whitehall and should be able to rush through
legislation – sorry, I mean lobby for early action,” he consoled, bravely. “My
wife, Sheila, wails every time an injured claimant is compensated in accordance
with the law.”
His colleague, Mr High Heavens, quickly agreed. “This is
hugely damaging to executive salaries and shareholder dividends and it’s clear
that government must act. Policyholders have enjoyed the promise of a possible
reduction in costs – one fine day - for long enough now and it’s time we reneged
on that again as we always do”.
A spokesman for the Hatchet Insurance Co added his voice to
the protests. “The problem is all these wretched accident victims trying to
take our money away from us. If they think we’re going to pay compensation for
their injuries and losses, they must be deluded.”
“We’ve been running a charity for years”, he sobbed. “People
don’t seem to understand that these painfully low interest rates have meant
that we can no longer sit on our arses watching other peoples’ money earn us a
fortune. We’ve got to the point where we don’t just need to hold on to the cash
for as long as possible – we need to keep it!”
“It wouldn’t be quite so bad,” he spluttered, “if we could
just be left alone to deal with these misguided people direct and settle their
claims fairly - with a bunch of flowers and maybe a massage for the catastrophic
cases. The problem is that some of them hire lawyers who know what the claims
are truly worth and then make us pay for trying to rip-off their clients. These
people are deluded if they think….” (to
be continued… and continued… and continued…)
But the Minister of Injustice reacted quickly and
supportively to insurers’ concerns. “It’s a no-brainer”, said Miss Trust, “and
I, more than anybody, recognize that”.
Unveiling a new criminal offence of being injured or killed
by somebody else’s negligence, she warned that this would not become law
until next week. Furthermore, there would be a consultation on the new measures
later in the year.
“It’s desperately important that the rights and
misfortunes of ordinary individuals are not seen to be more important than
corporate profits and political favour”, she cautioned wisely.
