Insurance costs rocket as weather turns nasty...
By our underhandwriting correspondent Polly C Hikes
The motor insurance world was rocked to its foundations today by the prospect of having to pay up on claims. Insurers have announced a steep rise in the price of ‘cover’ after an unexpected breeze threatened to bring chaos to Britain’s roads.
Seconds after a 'menacing' cloud (pictured) neared the south-west coast of Cornwall underwriters warned of the need to raise prices immediately. A spokesman for the Avaricious B******s Institute wept uncontrollably as he explained to sleeping politicians that the risk of some stronger drizzle than had been anticipated this week would force a 100% increase in the cost of the average policy.
Taking a freshly peeled onion from his pocket, Mr Bruce Fibbs blamed fraudulent weather forecasting for the crisis but reassured everyone that the industry would be able to crack down on the villains.
“Fortunately, we have a direct lying (Is this right? Ed) to Whitehall and should be able to rush through legislation – sorry, I mean lobby for early action,” he consoled, bravely. “My wife, Sheila, wails every time an injured claimant is compensated in accordance with the law.”
His colleague, Mr High Heavens, quickly agreed. “This is hugely damaging to executive salaries and shareholder dividends and it’s clear that government must act. Policyholders have enjoyed the promise of a possible reduction in costs – one fine day - for long enough now and it’s time we reneged on that again as we always do”.
A spokesman for the Hatchet Insurance Co added his voice to the protests. “The problem is all these wretched accident victims trying to take our money away from us. If they think we’re going to pay compensation for their injuries and losses, they must be deluded.”
“We’ve been running a charity for years”, he sobbed. “People don’t seem to understand that these painfully low interest rates have meant that we can no longer sit on our arses watching other peoples’ money earn us a fortune. We’ve got to the point where we don’t just need to hold on to the cash for as long as possible – we need to keep it!”
“It wouldn’t be quite so bad,” he spluttered, “if we could just be left alone to deal with these misguided people direct and settle their claims fairly - with a bunch of flowers and maybe a massage for the catastrophic cases. The problem is that some of them hire lawyers who know what the claims are truly worth and then make us pay for trying to rip-off their clients. These people are deluded if they think….” (to be continued… and continued… and continued…)
But the Minister of Injustice reacted quickly and supportively to insurers’ concerns. “It’s a no-brainer”, said Miss Trust, “and I, more than anybody, recognize that”.
Unveiling a new criminal offence of being injured or killed by somebody else’s negligence, she warned that this would not become law until next week. Furthermore, there would be a consultation on the new measures later in the year.
“It’s desperately important that the rights and misfortunes of ordinary individuals are not seen to be more important than corporate profits and political favour”, she cautioned wisely.